Types of Hurt

My trainer has told me more than once now that you can’t beat yourself up for your feelings.That you’re feeling what you’re feeling for a reason. Sometimes I think I’ve got a trainer and therapist in one.

I was going to start this post saying that I feel bad complaining about something so trivial when someone in my family is on her deathbed as we speak.

But then I remembered those words from my trainer. And I am allowed to hurt in two ways right now.

One way is physical and mental – my knees. They’ve had me sidelined for a week now. I miss running. I miss cardio in general. I feel like a bum. I pushed too hard, and now I’m paying for it.

The other way is emotional – my grandma is dying. The DNR was signed yesterday and the doctors were surprised she made it through the night. I got out of work early today and went to visit. Honestly, it was terrible. The woman that I knew as my grandma wasn’t there anymore. Her spirit gone, but her body not yet ready to follow.

And right now, I’m hurting.

Mid-Week Break

Thoughts On Dating

Or, why I’m always single.

I’m just going to put it out there. I really don’t like dating. I worry that there’s something wrong with me. That people think I’m weird. That they whisper behind my back because they notice I’ve been chronically single for years now.

In fact, I haven’t dated since I started on my fitness journey. And dating was part of the reason I was feeling so miserable prior to this journey. Around that time, I had gone off the pill (I had been on it for so long, I wanted to see how I would feel off of it). Well, my sex drive came back in rage and I was going after men hardcore. Internet dates, trying to pick up guys in bars. I didn’t like the way the men were treating me, or the way I was treating them. My brain battled against my body for what I really wanted. I ended up going back on the pill after six months.

During that time though, I wasn’t happy going out on internet dates. It was too much work. I felt too busy. It took away from my “me” time. And to top it all off, it’s really hard to get excited over someone you’ve met online.

What happened to meeting someone and having a slow excitement about them grow as you get to know them? You build a foundation as friends and feel that tickle that there could be something more. That warm rush when you run into them unexpectedly. All those wonderful/terrible feelings of wondering if they’re feeling the same way. And then that feeling of happiness when you finally connect on that level.

All of that is lost with internet dating. Internet dating is forced. All those messages back and forth create a false sense of getting to know someone. On a first date, I don’t want a hug hello from a stranger. A nice handshake is fine by me. We’ve just met! But I’ve heard that guys think it’s weird when a girl offers a handshake over a hug. On the same note, the guys always go in for a goodbye kiss. To me, even if I’ve enjoyed your company, you’re still a stranger and I don’t want to kiss you yet. I want to go home and think about the last few hours and see if I think you have potential. Or if I am willing to spend more of my precious free time with you on a second date at least.

Most guys don’t get second dates. I’ve been called the wrong name. I’ve been borderline mauled (even after saying “no”). I’ve had guys look nothing like their pictures. I’ve met very nice guys that I’ve felt no sense of attraction to. I’ve had guys I haven’t even met yet messaging me about their morning wood. I’ve had guys go off on me because I want to meet them in a public place first (when they kept suggesting we cuddle on the couch). I’ve had guys severely hurt my self esteem by stopping messaging me after asking for a more close up picture.

And if that’s what I have to put up with, I’m okay being single.

In fact, most of the time I don’t mind being single. I’m fairly independent. I like having my alone time. I keep busy with friends and hobbies. I like taking care of my home. I have my cats for company.

I wasn’t raised with the mindset that one day I was going to get married. My parents talked about me getting an education and a job. Never a husband. Perhaps because they were divorced they didn’t focus on marriage so much.

I also don’t know if I want kids. I feel like I don’t, but so many people have told me that I’m going to change my mind that I partially believe them. But I also don’t feel my biological clock driving me to find a mate.

Yes, I do think about how nice it would be to have a companion. I read an article this morning on the most romantic places in the South. And I wanted to visit them. I imagined visiting some of those places with a man I love. I even imagined doing it with a man I used to (maybe still do a bit) love. I wish I had someone to run races with me. I miss being held. It would be nice to have someone handy around.

But none of that is enough for me to actively seek out a relationship. I think because the only way I know how is through the internet. How else do people meet in today’s world? At work, I feel like a number. I’m not the type of girl that gets approached by men often either. I’m a bit shy.

Mostly I think that the next one will be the “right” one and we’ll meet when we’re supposed to meet. Isn’t that how it tends to work anyway?