Thoughts

Types of Hurt

My trainer has told me more than once now that you can’t beat yourself up for your feelings.That you’re feeling what you’re feeling for a reason. Sometimes I think I’ve got a trainer and therapist in one.

I was going to start this post saying that I feel bad complaining about something so trivial when someone in my family is on her deathbed as we speak.

But then I remembered those words from my trainer. And I am allowed to hurt in two ways right now.

One way is physical and mental – my knees. They’ve had me sidelined for a week now. I miss running. I miss cardio in general. I feel like a bum. I pushed too hard, and now I’m paying for it.

The other way is emotional – my grandma is dying. The DNR was signed yesterday and the doctors were surprised she made it through the night. I got out of work early today and went to visit. Honestly, it was terrible. The woman that I knew as my grandma wasn’t there anymore. Her spirit gone, but her body not yet ready to follow.

And right now, I’m hurting.

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Thoughts

Well, hello

I’ve been MIA for a while. I lost some of my steam. When I think back to even before I stopped posting, I was struggling with my motivation. Diet motivation, posting motivation… it just kind of fizzled away. And I didn’t know how to get it back. The more I tried to force it, the more I rebelled against myself. I was having a hard time feeling excited about things in general.

The one bright spot in all of that was that I didn’t lose my exercise motivation. Sure, not every workout was my best, some runs I fought my head the whole time, but I kept at it.

And I’m finally starting to feel better. More like me again. I don’t really know what was going on. My trainer thought I was seeming depressed. I started considering finding someone to talk to. I started taking Vitamin D again (might as well, right?). I can’t say I’ve completely snapped out of it, but I feel a lot better. More willing to try again. I’ve been eating better (more self-control over snacking), I’ve made progress on the scale over the past three weeks, and I’ve been composing blog posts in my head again.

So it’s time to type them out again, too! But I’m making some changes. When I started this blog I wanted structure. I’m a type A person. I like routine and plans. But that became overwhelming and well… boring when it came to blogging. So instead, I’m going to blog about what I want, without worrying about posting on a certain topic on a specific day of the week. If I’ve discovered a good, healthy recipe, I’ll post it. If I’m proud of a run, I’ll brag about it. Speaking of, I ran my first 10k earlier this month in under an hour!

So… we’ll see how this goes.

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