There’s nothing worse than standing in the doorway, dressed and ready to go for a run, and the MapMyRun app won’t load.
Happy Wednesday. It’s been five days of not tracking what I eat. I’m not sure if it’s helping yet. I’m still exhibiting self-sabotaging behavior. It’s like I’m on autopilot shoving junk into my mouth while my brain is saying, “why are you doing this?” Yet I still don’t stop.
Even though my diet is out of whack, I still have some positive things going on. I signed up for two races in June! Both are in the same weekend actually – oops. The first one is a 5k for a charity that my work sponsors. The second is a 10k that sounds really fun and scenic. And there’s finishers medals! I haven’t done any races with medals yet, so I’m actually really excited about that. It’ll be pretty cool to have physical proof of my accomplishment.
And I need to start focusing on my accomplishments more, instead of beating myself up for not sticking to my healthy eating plan. I’m still in the best shape of my life. I’m still sticking to my workouts. This is just a little blip in the journey.
A blip that I want to end soon because I am so freaking uncomfortable right now! Remind me of this feeling tomorrow when i decide chocolate is a good idea…
Earlier today I was composing a post on my feelings on rest days in my head. Does anyone else do that? Starting writing posts in your head in hopes that you’ll be able to get it all out later when you actually sit down at the computer?
Anyway, a 10.5 hour workday happened and I guess I’ll attempt to recreate my thoughts on rest days another time. The stress of the day pushed a lot of my ideas out of my head.
The stress of the day also kind of had me yearning for a workout. a long run, even a leisurely walk. Even though my body has been feeling pretty tired of lack of rest days…
Oh well. Time to get ready for bed because tomorrow could be another rough one. And it’s not a rest day! Good night, everyone.
Or, why I’m always single.
I’m just going to put it out there. I really don’t like dating. I worry that there’s something wrong with me. That people think I’m weird. That they whisper behind my back because they notice I’ve been chronically single for years now.
In fact, I haven’t dated since I started on my fitness journey. And dating was part of the reason I was feeling so miserable prior to this journey. Around that time, I had gone off the pill (I had been on it for so long, I wanted to see how I would feel off of it). Well, my sex drive came back in rage and I was going after men hardcore. Internet dates, trying to pick up guys in bars. I didn’t like the way the men were treating me, or the way I was treating them. My brain battled against my body for what I really wanted. I ended up going back on the pill after six months.
During that time though, I wasn’t happy going out on internet dates. It was too much work. I felt too busy. It took away from my “me” time. And to top it all off, it’s really hard to get excited over someone you’ve met online.
What happened to meeting someone and having a slow excitement about them grow as you get to know them? You build a foundation as friends and feel that tickle that there could be something more. That warm rush when you run into them unexpectedly. All those wonderful/terrible feelings of wondering if they’re feeling the same way. And then that feeling of happiness when you finally connect on that level.
All of that is lost with internet dating. Internet dating is forced. All those messages back and forth create a false sense of getting to know someone. On a first date, I don’t want a hug hello from a stranger. A nice handshake is fine by me. We’ve just met! But I’ve heard that guys think it’s weird when a girl offers a handshake over a hug. On the same note, the guys always go in for a goodbye kiss. To me, even if I’ve enjoyed your company, you’re still a stranger and I don’t want to kiss you yet. I want to go home and think about the last few hours and see if I think you have potential. Or if I am willing to spend more of my precious free time with you on a second date at least.
Most guys don’t get second dates. I’ve been called the wrong name. I’ve been borderline mauled (even after saying “no”). I’ve had guys look nothing like their pictures. I’ve met very nice guys that I’ve felt no sense of attraction to. I’ve had guys I haven’t even met yet messaging me about their morning wood. I’ve had guys go off on me because I want to meet them in a public place first (when they kept suggesting we cuddle on the couch). I’ve had guys severely hurt my self esteem by stopping messaging me after asking for a more close up picture.
And if that’s what I have to put up with, I’m okay being single.
In fact, most of the time I don’t mind being single. I’m fairly independent. I like having my alone time. I keep busy with friends and hobbies. I like taking care of my home. I have my cats for company.
I wasn’t raised with the mindset that one day I was going to get married. My parents talked about me getting an education and a job. Never a husband. Perhaps because they were divorced they didn’t focus on marriage so much.
I also don’t know if I want kids. I feel like I don’t, but so many people have told me that I’m going to change my mind that I partially believe them. But I also don’t feel my biological clock driving me to find a mate.
Yes, I do think about how nice it would be to have a companion. I read an article this morning on the most romantic places in the South. And I wanted to visit them. I imagined visiting some of those places with a man I love. I even imagined doing it with a man I used to (maybe still do a bit) love. I wish I had someone to run races with me. I miss being held. It would be nice to have someone handy around.
But none of that is enough for me to actively seek out a relationship. I think because the only way I know how is through the internet. How else do people meet in today’s world? At work, I feel like a number. I’m not the type of girl that gets approached by men often either. I’m a bit shy.
Mostly I think that the next one will be the “right” one and we’ll meet when we’re supposed to meet. Isn’t that how it tends to work anyway?
Isn’t it funny how the smallest change can make you feel so many things? I got a hair cut last night. I’ve been wearing my hair the same, kind of blah way, for a while and I wanted to do something different so I had layers put back in. I love the sides but I’m not positive on the length in the back yet. The good news there is that I can always have the length chopped off so it’s not so rounded.
What do you think? It’s making me feel pretty, nervous (can I style it the same way myself?) and unsure (probably about styling it, maybe about other people’s reactions). And it’s just a haircut!
I’m just going to try to just rock it at work today.
Now on the excitement. My friends and I have been trying to plan a 30th birthday trip this year for months. We’ve finally decided on something. I woke up to rates from my travel agent this morning. I am super excited, but part of me is worried that this could all still fall through. Keep your fingers crossed for us! It’s been a while since I’ve gone on a big vacation like this.
My mom has always told me about (harped on) the power of positive affirmations. Telling me to say things like, “I turn this to good” when something isn’t going my way. It’s not something I’ve ever really bought into. Perhaps because it’s a little too vague. Because I don’t know how to turn whatever the specific situation is to good. I’m practical. I like to have action steps.
Recently, I started working with a health/weight loss coach through a free mobile app pilot that my work is offering. (hey, why not, right?) She suggested we do a daily goal check in. It reminds me of the positive affirmations my mom tells me about, but I like it much better. When we first talked, she listened to what I was doing and why, and framed it as a list of goals. I get them in my email every morning and I’m supposed to read them out loud and report back that I did it.
Here’s my list:
I am embarking on this journey…
- to improve my overall health.
- to look better.
- to continue to increase my level of confidence.
- to feel happier in my own body.
- to continue increasing my physical activity.
- to train for a half marathon.
I find that I’m actually really liking this task. (And maybe I really am committing that to that half marathon this year??) It helps to start my day hearing my goals in my own voice. It sets an intention for the day.
Have you tried any strategies like this? Have they worked?
Okay, winter. I’ve had enough. I don’t want to be cold anymore. I’m sick of having dry, flaky skin around my nose. My nails are getting so brittle that they’re chipping and peeling again. And my car is not handling the sloppy roads well.
I’m crying “uncle.”
And I’m starting to think about spring and the return of a lush, green world. I’ve already got a gardening yen going. I’m starting to think about what vegetables I want to grow this year. Is it worth it to do zucchini again? My plot is small and it takes over. I can’t wait to pick out annuals for my front garden.
I want to feel the sun on my bare skin.
I’m also thinking of finally signing up for a CSA share this year. I guess it’s been on my bucket list. I’ve been curious about them for years now. I’ve checked out the offerings of local farms. But I’ve always been a bit intimidated by the cost and the possibility of overwhelming amounts of vegetables that I might not know what to do with.
I found one at a local farm that offers half shares, AND they include fruit in their shares. I think this is the right choice for me. I’m this close to putting down a deposit this weekend. I think it could be fun, challenging and healthy.
Have you gotten a CSA share before? Did you enjoy it?